Hey you, over there... with the wicked heart

Here's a pretty basic line of Christian reasoning and teaching; see if any of this sounds familiar.

We all have wicked, ugly hearts, and Jeremiah tells us this in his book, chapter 17, verse 9:

The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?

Since our hearts are evil, we must fight against our desires; we must spend an enormous amount of our prayer life searching our hearts, and making sure what we want -- what comes from our sick hearts -- is what God wants.

And for those of you who are wondering about Psalm 37:4 -- "Delight yourself in the LORD; and He will give you the desires of your heart." -- it's okay. That just means that if you are diligent to seek God, He will change your desires.

Problem is, this is absolutely anti-Scriptural, and one of the messiest handlings of the Bible that you'll find in popular Christianity (the prayer of Jabez is right up there, but this "wicked heart" theology has been around much longer).

Gnosticism is alive and well
Gnosticism is an ancient religious sect. The word "gnosis" is a Greek word that means "knowledge." In a nutshell (you don't really want a big theological history lesson, do you?), Gnosticism is a belief that we're all divine souls, trapped in evil, material, fleshly bodies. So you, me, your spouse... you're purely good in your divine, immaterial soul, but everything material is wholly evil.

The result of Gnosticism is all-encompassing: anything that is solid or material is bad. The implications of this are pretty far-reaching, and downright heretical: Jesus, for example, was a divine soul that entered into a corrupt body. So Jesus' body, in the Gnostic approach, was evil, despite the Bible saying that He was completely sinful. His 33 years of perfect living didn't mean a thing; his body, being material, was still totally evil.

(There are lots of variations on this. The docetists believed that Jesus' death and resurrection only appeared to happen. But Jesus core -- the "good" spiritual part -- wasn't touched. Other Gnostics believe that Jesus soul left his body at crucifiction, and still others believe that Jesus' resurrection was the result of his divine soul coming into a dead and wicked physical body and raising it to life. No matter how you cut it, Gnostics seriously doubt the truth of Jesus' bodily resurrection and saving power over death and hell.)

It's easy to see how Christianity could weave in elements of Gnosticism: the Bible plainly teaches that our flesh is wicked and corrupt. II Peter 2:10 talks about the flesh and its corrupt desires, and Paul talks about sin dwelling in his flesh in Romans 7.

The problem with Gnosticism, and this entire line of thinking, is that it mistakenly makes anything material evil. So God's creation -- the earth itself, the grass, flowers, a bird, even the dove that moved over Jesus' at His baptism -- are evil. Adam and Eve, prior to the fall, were flesh, so despite the Bible's insistence that they were sinless and perfect image bearers of God, Gnosticism makes them evil.

Now come back to the Bible lesson you've probably heard regarding our hearts being wicked. Our desires come from our heart, so they're wicked. In fact, anything material in us is wicked... or so it seems. This is Gnosticism, revived in Christian pseudo-theology!

Wicked hearts belong to the wicked
Like most lies and errors, both Gnosticism and the idea that our hearts are wicked bear some basis in truth. Jeremiah did say that our hearts are wicked, and desperate for evil. Peter did say our hearts produce corrupt desires. Solomon did see that out of our hearts come the springs of life (Prov. 4:23).

The problem, though, is that there's a context to all of these verses. In fact, the context of every one of these passages is a man or woman, prior to and apart from Jesus Christ!

Take a closer look at Jeremiah 17, the text that much of this confusion arises from. Here's verses 7 through 11:

(7) Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD. (8) For he will be like a tree planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream And will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, And it will not be anxious in a year of drought Nor cease to yield fruit. (9) The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it? (10) I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to give to each man according to his ways, According to the results of his deeds. (11) As a partridge that hatches eggs which it has not laid, {So} is he who makes a fortune, but unjustly; In the midst of his days it will forsake him, And in the end he will be a fool.

This can be a little hairy to dissect, especially as we tend to pay more attention to verse numbers than to the natural breaks in the text. The passage begins by talking about the man that trusts in the Lord (verses 7 and 8). So it's easy to think that this man -- the one planted by the water -- is being referred to in verse 9, and its his heart that is so wicked.

But look closely at verse 9, and see that this verse is answered in verse 10. In verse 9, we see that no man can know the heart; verse 10 tells us that God can, though. Verse 11 follows, with God continuing to talk about judgment.

Wait a second... did you get that? Judgment! But wait... for the Christian, there's no condemnation (Rom. 8:1)! We will have our works judged (II Cor. 5:10), but that's for rewards, not punishment. In this passage, God says he will give to each man according to his ways... according to the results of his deeds. This isn't the judgment of a Christian man; it's the judgment of a man who doesn't know Christ.

Further, look at verse 11; it says this man (the one God is judging the heart of, the man that has a wicked heart) is a fool, and Solomon tells us the fool is someone who doesn't believe in God (Psalm 14:1). In fact, take a close look at this familiar verse:

The fool has said in his heart, "There is no God." They are corrupt, they have committed abominable deeds; There is no one who does good.

Where does the fool say there's no god? In his heart! We're right back to Jeremiah 17:9 again.

So the man referred to here, with the wicked heart, is:

1. Being judged by God according to his deed (which is altogether different from being rewarded for his deeds after salvation).


2. Subject to God's condemnation (not a Christian; Rom. 8:1)


3. A fool

But what about Jeremiah 17:7 and 8? Aren't those verses just as "close" to verse 9 as the later verses about judgment? Don't those verses talk about the man who trusts in the Lord? Those verses DO talk about a man whose trust is in the Lord. But does verse 8 being about a man who trusts in the Lord require verse 9 to be about the same guy? Of course not. In fact, what you're seeing here is a contrast; verse 8 is about the man who loves the Lord, and verse 9 is about the man who doesn't, and is hiding. But, as verse 10 reveals, God sees through the lies, knows the wicked man's heart (even though the wicked man himself doesn't realize the depth of his sin), and judges him for it.

If you examine similar verses in the New Testament, you'll see this same thing over and over. When Scripture talks about men and women with wicked hearts, you'll always find that these men and women are lost, apart from Jesus Christ. They are not Christians.

In II Peter 2:10, for example, Peter's talking about rescuing the godly from those with wicked desires. When Jesus says that evil flows from the heart in Luke 6:45, he's talking about evil men (would Jesus call a man who trusts Him evil? Of course not!). And in many instances in Matthew and Mark, Jesus talks about those who hardened their hearts (a heart of stone is not something Jesus looks upon kindly).

There's simply no case where you'll find a Christian man or woman accused of having a wicked heart.

So what about the Christian?
So your Sunday School teachers are, unfortunately, wrong. If you trust in Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, and you're relying on his substitutionary death on the cross to save you from sin and hell, you're not in this category of men Scripture assigns a wicked heart to.

So what about your heart? The Gnostics say that all material is evil, and we've grown up hearing about the sin in our flesh. Are our hearts good? And if so, how do they become good, when God says that a sinful heart starts out wicked?

All great questions... and ones that you'll have to wait until the next blog to get answered. You may also be wondering how this all connects with men being assertive Christian leaders, something I talked about last week. That's interwoven with this truth about the heart, as well. Just keep reading... you'll learn some shocking and exciting truths over these next few entries, as we find out -- both men and women -- how we can love God more fully, more passionately, and with more excitement than ever before.

Weekly devotionals are coming!

Just a quick note from us to you... we're working hard on the "Sparks Fly" lessons, and wanted to let you have a sneak peek of some of the additional resources that we'll be providing.

Beyond the weekly in-person lesson, and the weekly podcast with the lesson audio, and the weekly handouts that will allow you to follow along with the lesson... (yes, I know, it's hard to believe there's even more!)

...drum roll please...



We'll be providing daily devotionals. So on each Monday morning, you can visit our Facebook page and blog, and download a PDF of an entire week's worth of devotionals. For each week, you'll get five Scriptural, focused devotionals: one for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Each lesson will be a single page, short and actionable. You'll get a few key Scripture references to mediate on, a thought related to the lesson taught the previous week, and some specific questions and ideas that will help you stay Christ-focused during the week.

These are intended to provide you a good 15-minute time of Jesus-centric devotion, and then get on with your day. I know I've gone through a number of devotional books, and love it when the devotions sync up with my weekly time at church. These are intended to provide just that.

Here's a sample page from the first week's devotional (click to see a full-size version):



These devotions are completely free, and will come out once a week. We hope to see you all on February 8, full of Scripture and resources to challenge you in your marriage and relationship with Jesus Christ.

He's just got no heart...

I've spent an inordinate amount of time lately trying to figure out why it's so hard to get young men (18 to 35 or so) to come to church. It seems that everywhere you look in Christianity, you'll find docile, meek, mumbling males and vibrant, energetic, engaged females. Why is that?

Before digging into the issue (and it's going to take some real digging), I think it's worth making sure my basic premise is Scriptural: how are we defining "real men?" I should say at this point that much of what follows is politically incorrect, and even in dispute by a lot of conservative churches. Most people would try make it this simple:



This is utter nonsense, though, as anyone who's read the Scripture should be able to figure out. Let's just take a quick review through some of the major figures in Biblical history:

Abraham
Abraham was a bit of a sissy when it came to protecting his wife. In Genesis 12 and 20, he basically lets his wife be known as his sister (and therefore available, with a capital "A" for adultery) so he won't get beat up.

Then again, Abraham went to war and took out a whole slew of kings and their armies to rescue his nephew Lot in Genesis 14. He handled hundreds of acres of land and livestock. He was willing to raise a knife and kill his own son in Genesis 22. And, as if we had any questions about the man's virility beyond bedding his wife and her servant Hagar at around 100, he takes another wife in Genesis 25:1, and apparently had some additional concubines, too (see Genesis 25:6).

Yup, Abraham was a man all the way to the core.

Moses
And then there's Moses. This guy starts his career by killing someone in a fight, standing up for a fellow Israelite (Exodus 2:11-12). He ends up running away to the desert (do you know any sissies that hang out in the desert?). Before his career is over, he gets God's Law orally (Exodus 20), and hikes up and down a massive mountain more than a few times.

He also manages to rant and rave against his own people (Exodus 32) and force them to drink a cup or two of idol-polluted water (32:20); he's in the habit of striking rocks (Ex. 17:6 and Num. 20) and threatening Pharaohs (Exodus 5 and following), too.

It would be hard to picture Moses as any sort of mealy-mouthed, plaid-wearing, dove-patting guy, wouldn't it?

Joshua
Joshua led an army around a wall for seven days straight. I imagine he had calves the size of Terrell Owens' and biceps that required custom-made tunics, you know? He was Moses' general (see Exodus 17) as well as his spiritual successor (see Exodus 24 and 32).

David
Do we need to say much about David? He'd killed his tens of thousands (I Sam. 18), and there was that incident with Goliath. Before that, he'd ripped a lion apart with his bare hands (I Sam. 17), as a kid!

Oh, and here's another guy lacking any hormonal imbalance issues. Bathsheba was ... ahem ... sunning herself, and David got more than a little aroused, didn't he? Add to that his other wives, and you've got a young, strong king who did more than love Jesus. He killed, he bedded women (rightly and wrongly), and he took his punishment like a man (II Sam. 12).

We're even told that David was a man after God's own heart in Acts 13.

Solomon
Solomon was the wisest and richest man to ever live. He seemed to know a bit about women (see, well, the entirety of Proverbs). And while I'm sure Hefner's not getting women these days based on his looks, I imagine it took a pretty strong and well-built man to handle and attract 700 wives and another 300 concubines (I Kings 11:3). Think about it... that's a different woman every day of the year for three years running.

I imagine Solomon was a hottie, built like a football player, firm of voice and hand. I don't imagine many people in Solomon's court were overheard saying, "Well, he's a very quiet man, prone to leading by solemn example. And he's so sensitive..."

The prophets
Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel... Elijah and Elisha... Micah, Hosea... these are men of incredible renown. They stood in the faces of kings and delivered God's words with authority and power. And while they occasionally ran from women (Elijah looks like a complete wuss in I Kings 19), these men largely acquitted themselves like... well... men.

I particularly like Hosea, who both loved his wife well despite her constant whoring around, but apparently had to pick her out of the gutter a few times before it was all said and done (see Hosea 2:5, probably a reference to Gomer after she birthed Jezreel and Lo-ruhamah).

All men's men, brave, physically and mentally strong, and prone to hard work, rather than, say, online poker for 12 to 13 hours a day.

John the Baptist
John? Well, he lived on locusts and honey (Matt. 3 and John 1), which would have kept him alive while most men gagged, spit up, and whined for a Wing Stop (I count myself with the whiners, not with John, just so we're clear). He also preached to Herod and got his head cut off (Matt. 14). I don't imagine he wrote Herod a note, spoke in vague abstractions, or played him a ballad on the lute to make his point. I rather suspect John used lots of words like "repent" and "sin" (although we get a rather paltry account in Matthew 14:4).

Another man's man.

Jesus
Hang in there... we're winding down. But it's important to realize that the trend started in the Old Testament continues into the new. Jesus Christ was not a coiffed choir boy in a baby-blue sash and resplendent white robe. If asked about his priorities in a Ms. American pageant, he would never answer "world peace." Instead, he'd likely go with the less popular, "I'm more of a sword type of guy" (Matt. 10:34).



(Please, save me from this guy, because he's certainly not Jesus!)

Jesus also survived the worst torture known to man for three days before dying, leveraging his torn body up and down, gagging for breath, with nothing but infected wounds and rusted nails to push against.

And while Jesus was quick to forgive, he also let his own Father know of his pain in his dying breaths: Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, "ELI, ELI, LAMA SABACHTHANI?" that is, "MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?" (Matt. 27:46).

There was also that incident where Jesus tore into the local Mardel's and ripped up all the inspirational paintings and kicked over the crystalline cross display...

Paul
Last, but not least, we come to Paul. Paul wrote most of the New Testament, and apparently achieved the highest levels of scholarship (Phil. 3:1-6). So he must have been the scrawny nerdy type, right? Well, not so much. Paul spent three years living in the deserts of Arabia learning from Jesus (Gal. 1:17), getting his master's degree in theology. He called out everyone in the Corinthian church in scathing terms (read anything from I or II Corinthians, but in particular 11:17-34), attacking every form of sin you can imagine.

Paul also had the notorious thorn in the flesh, which most agree was some sort of painful physical issue. So he walked around with chronic pain, much of the time chained to a Roman guard.

So what's the point of this litany, anyway?
The point is that the Bible has no example of limp-wristed Christians. There aren't any men who, like Aquinas mistakenly suggested, "preach[ed] the gospel; and when necessary [used] words."

You don't find lots of women dragging around their men, praying that their husbands come to church and Bible study. That's not to say there weren't amazing godly women; Paul mentions several in his letters. But there were almost always godly men leading.

So what's happened? Why can't you get more than 10 or 15 men in a service of over 1,000 to pray for the pastor? Why can you start a women's Bible study and have hundreds show up, but men's fraternity is the province of our parents and grandparents?

Our men have lost their role models
Who's the 18-year old guy gonna look up to? The soft-spoken Jesus-whispering sissy or the tough-as-nails cut football player? Well, duh... the football player. But other than the occasional pointing upward in the end zone, the typical football player isn't preaching repentance and godly living.

Many of our preachers are given to gluttony and soft speech. They won't talk about sex or hormones, and when they do, they preach "intimacy in the marriage covenant." I know what that means, and I still barely want any part of it.

(I personally thank God our pastor at First Baptist Dallas, Dr. Robert Jeffress, went as far as referring to Joseph's "hot Hebrew hormones" this last Sunday, and I counted him mentioning sex at least 10 times between the AM and PM services.)

Look, I'm not saying that you need to have callouses on your hands and a buzz cut to be a Christan man. What I am saying is that every Biblical model we have is strong, focused, outspoken, committed, leading by word as well as example, plain-speaking, and very, very male.

So how do we get back to this? Men, how do we love Christ and remain masculine? Women, how do you encourage your husbands, brothers, and guy friends to man up? Well, there are some really horrible misunderstandings about what the Bible says that will help clear this up. Visit again in another few days, and I'll talk about what the Bible really says about our heart, and how men can, indeed, find their heart, love Jesus, and be passionate manly Christians once more.

The result? More men following godly examples (see I Cor. 4:16 and 11:1). More women with husbands that will quit playing World of Warcraft and staring at porn, instead choosing to speak up in their home, teach their boys to love Jesus unashamedly, encourage their girls to demand strength and passion from their future husbands, and choosing to sleep with their wives passionately and aggressively, secure in a conviction that they are leaders, not gelded wimps with home-made paper-clip crosses dangling from their necks.

Now, for those of you who are totally offended by this, and insist that you're a quiet, lead-by-example-but-not-by-word, artistic man who never raises his voice or makes a contested decision in the home... well, I'll not refer you to my opinions. They, like all opinions, are just that: ravings of someone who thinks he's right, and in my case, loves Jesus.

What I will say is that there's no example of this type of man in Scripture. There's no silent Christian, and culturally, we're seeing the results of that in our culture. Let's bring back a man who is passionate, vocal, and leads his family and business toward Christ... all the while, showing masculine qualities without compromising the name of his Lord and Savior. We are all different, gifted in various areas, but we cannot be varied in our approach to masculinity, proclaiming the gospel, or modeling Christ to our culture and to young men, lost and saved.

Wanna know how? Well, tune in next time. It's time to get our hearts back, men.

Why don't you just tell me the movie you want to see?

Everyone remember this? (If the video doesn't appear, click here.)



Do you ever feel like your marriage gets to be a bit like that at times? Leigh and I went out on a date last weekend, and when we came home, she ended up sitting down and chatting with our babysitter for the better part of an hour. They were having a good time, as I sort of fluttered in and out, answering email, finding a book to read in bed, that sort of thing.

Of course, inside, I was screaming my guts out.

See, I was annoyed. In my mind, I had this picture of Leigh and I getting home, shooing our babysitter out the door, and ripping each other's clothes off as we barely made it to the bedroom. (Wives, every guy reading this knows exactly what I'm talking about, and thinks the same thing on most dates. Might want to take note of that...)

The problem is, I never actually said that. And even if we dial it back a bit, and go for G-rated, I didn't walk into my living room, yawn loudly, and suggest to our sitter that it was getting late. I didn't whisper anything helpful, sexual, or even instructional into my wife's ear. I didn't even sit next to our sitter and ask her what time it was. I just stewed, and got angry.

Then, when the sitter finally left, I moped around with an annoyed look on my face, until my wife finally asked that dreaded question: "Are you upset?"

We all know what comes next, right? I unloaded on my wife. Told her how inconsiderate she was, how this was a night about us, not her and the sitter, on and on. And she had a reply that just incensed me:

"Why didn't you just say that?"

Oh, I was mad. Because, when you cut away all the crud, she was exactly right. I was like George, pushing numbers into a touch-tone phone, expecting my wife to read my mind. And she was saying, "Why don't you just TELL me what you want?"

I haven't asked Leigh this, but I suspect that she would have welcomed an assertive, "Babe, let's get the sitter out the door. I want all our time tonight to be together." I even think a much more suggestive or even explicit statement about what I'd like us to spend that time doing would have been okay. Because, well, most women want their men to be men.

And I was acting like a teenage girl, whimpering and being passive aggressive.



I Corinthians 6:9 and 10 says this:

Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.

We're quick to call a guy that has an overly thick lisp (let's be clear about that overly thick part, okay? I've got a lisp of my own), sashays instead of walks, and doesn't mind wearing pink stripes effeminate. Listen to too much Indigo Girls or Sarah McLachlan, and you're effeminate. See more chick flicks than you watch explosions, or keep up with Big Brother or The Bachelor? Yup, you guessed it: effeminate.

But what does "effeminate" actually mean? Here's what dictionary.com says:

Having traits, tastes, habits, etc., traditionally considered feminine, as softness or delicacy.

Now this won't go over too well in our society, but when I chose to not say what I was thinking, to blame my wife for not reading my passive-aggressive gestures, to yell at her because she wanted to talk to a fiend and I didn't want her to -- even though I gave her no reasonable way of knowing that -- then I was really acting effeminate. I was acting a wimpy, note-passing, PE-skipping hair-pulling little girl.

Now, let's not get crazy. Romans 8:1 tells us there's no condemnation in Christ, and Paul's talking to unregenerated lost folks in that particular passage from I Corinthians 9. So I'm not suggesting that by my actions, I'm condemning myself to hell.

But I am saying I was doing a lousy job of loving my wife the way Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25). Christ was a man's man, and didn't leave us wondering what he meant about, well, pretty much anything. This was a guy that rolled into the local Christian book store and started tossing books, Scripture-inlaid toothbrushes, and sanctified breath mints around. He let people know what he thought.

I am saying that I didn't love my wife in an understanding way (I Pet. 3:7), by making sure she knew what was on my mind when it concerned her. I didn't give her a chance to see and hear her husband desire her, and value her time, body, and love above all else for an entire evening.

I didn't show hospitality to our babysitter (Rom. 12:10-13); in my anger toward her (for doing nothing other than talking with my wife), I was rude, pacing in and out, showing myself to be a poor host and moody husband.

And just to be clear, this isn't something that applies only to men, even though a woman can't by nature be "effeminate." Husbands, wives, moms, dads, we need to suck it up and speak plainly. Let's get out of our heads, and actually talk to each other.

"Why don't you just TELL me you'd like to spend time with me?"

Can we all just go ahead and say the "S" word?

What terrifies you more? Getting the house ready for a big dinner party with lots of friends, or asking your mom to quit dropping in unannounced? Singing or playing a solo in front of a packed auditorium, or suggesting to your husband that his spending is out of control? Giving a presentation to a crowded board room, or telling your wife that you're sexually dissatisfied?

For most of you, it's those intimate conversations that are far more nerve-wracking than the work- and performance-related situations. Why is that? Why can many of us thrive in pressure-packed professions, and yet feel totally at a loss for words when it comes to talking with our spouses? Why can some folks maintain the house, get the kids to every possible practice and event on time, pay the bills, keep their Facebook page updated, and still turn into jello when family boundary issues come up?

I think about ol' Abram (who would later be renamed Abraham) in Genesis. He takes his wife, Sarai, into Egypt. Now here's a guy who was having frequent personal conversations with God, right? Yet he gets to Egypt, and totally freaks out. He's convinced he's gonna get killed over Sarai, so he asks her to pretend to be his sister. In other words, he says, "Look, if someone comes onto you, don't tell them you're married. I'd rather not get killed so someone else can sleep with you, okay?"

What a sad statement. But then again, this was early in Abram's relationship with God, right? He still hadn't been renamed, he didn't have his son Isaac yet, he hadn't really seen God work... right?

Well, not so much.

In Genesis 20, God's done all these incredible things for Abraham: given him a son (in addition to miraculously protecting Ishmael), sent angels to talk with Abraham and Sarah, turned Sodom into a pillar of salt... but here's Abraham again, asking Sarah to pretend to be his sister one more time.

So what does Abraham's story have to do with the awkward conversations we married couples try and avoid? It all comes down to the "s" word.

No, not the four-letter word. And not "sex" either, although we're all pretty scared to talk about that in church, too, aren't we?

The "s" word is "security."

Abraham, ultimately, didn't trust God. He didn't feel he was secure enough to live in Egypt, and later Gerar, with Sarah as his wife. He wasn't secure in his relationship with God.

And isn't that ultimately why we're terrified of having these awkward, sex/money/in-laws conversations with our spouses? Deep down, we're really not that secure in our relationships. We're terrified that if we are honest with our spouse, they're going to think differently about us.

That's why nobody wants to say, "Honey, you need to give me the credit cards. We're stopping this irresponsible spending." Or, "Babe, if your mom can't knock or ring the bell, or better yet, call before coming over, we're going to take her emergency key back. We need some boundaries." Or, "I love you, sweetie. And I really want us to talk about our sex life. It's dull, and as much as this is scary, I'm easily tempted right now. Can we get specific?"

So how do we resolve this? Well, it's not easy, and it's not an overnight thing. But the Bible tells us some things that are critical:

First, we've got to have a right relationship with Christ.
A functioning Christ-centric outlook is required to even be able to talk about these issues. See, even though money and sex and in-laws are real live issues, they're ultimately spiritual issues. They're about relationships and interactions. And if you want to deal with spiritual issues... I Corinthians 2:14 says, "But a natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised."

If you want to have a God-honoring discussion about anything, you need to make sure you're God-honoring in your intentions. These are hard enough discussions; don't try and have them apart from Jesus Christ.


Second, you need to understand security in your relationship.
The Bible says that the relationship between a husband and wife is to model the relationship between Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:25 tells us, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her."

Then, based on that, realize the new meaning that Romans 8:1 takes on: "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Think about it. If your relationship with your spouse mirrors that between Christ and the church, there should be no condemnation! Discussions about problems aren't for laying blame, or critiquing how well someone performs in bed... they're for glorifying God by the strengthening of your marriage!

God is completely honored by strong marriages, marriages where problems are worked through. That's because by dealing with tough issues, without condemnation, we are more closely modeling Jesus Christ. Get a hold of that!

Third, and finally, have the security discussion with your spouse.
Isn't it true that we tend to leave the most important things unsaid? Here's a little homework assignment. Tonight, after you've had dinner, and put any kids you have to bed, sit down with your spouse. Turn off the TV and iPod and TiVo (Jack Bauer will wait), and just tell your spouse... "Babe, I love you. You're totally secure in your relationship with me. There's nothing that can happen that will ever change that."

Then, for goodness sake, don't choose that time to open up a discussion on anything sensitive. Just let that sink in. Let it roll around for a few days, and remind yourself of the same thing.

You're secure. Marriage is our model for Christ and his church.

Re-commit yourself to your spouse. Love them. Encourage them. Secure them.

Then, when it's time to have those tougher discussions, you'll have laid the all-important secure foundation.

In the coming weeks, especially in Sparks Fly, we'll talk a lot more about how to actually have those tough conversations. For now, though, build security. You'll never regret it.

Honey, I'm tired... and I've got a headache.

Yes, they're the words that every guy dreads hearing from his wife. "Honey, I'm tired. I've got a headache." Pair those up with "Not tonight," and you've found the only phrase in history that tears a guy up more than, "It's not you... it's me. Can we just be friends?"

But sometimes, a carefully placed, "Honey, I'm tired" can avoid a horrible fight. And... here's the real surprise... it's the guy that needs to drop this much-avoided line.

Most men in today's culture are hard workers. They get up sometime just before dawn, plow through nearly an hour of traffic, and drop into their office chair a bit past 8:00 AM (if they've got a lenient boss). 9, 10, 12 hours later, it's time to reverse the process. More traffic, more fatigue, and a day of stress on top of all that.

The result? Well, you can guess...



Tired, cranky, and very fight-prone husbands.

Now don't get me wrong. I know quite well that in today's world, women are just as likely as men to work long days, commute back and forth between home and a job, and arrive back at the roost ready to claw somebody's eyes out. But there's one big difference.

Men are terrible at admitting weakness.

Look at our first father, Adam, way back in Genesis 3. "Hey Adam," God called out. "What were you thinking, eating the one stinking fruit I said to leave alone?"

Adam, in a moment of utter idiocy, glared at the only naked female in sight, and proclaimed, "It was her! She made me do it!" Eve goes on to blame the serpent, but I'd argue that Eve was following her husband's example, rather than exhibiting any real character flaw.

Let's face it, men: we're terrible at being weak.

So what does that have to do with anything? Well, an exhausted wife will often come home and drop into a kitchen chair, sigh loudly, and look at her husband with big eyes: "Baby, can we order Chinese tonight?" In other words, she's letting her husband know, "I'm tired. Can you help?" And of course, us men-folk love to be the brave knight, riding in on our valiant steed carrying egg drop soup and some pepper steak.

The woman's casual admittance of a need for help (or at least the desire not to cook) awakens in us guys something that makes it easy to avoid a fight. We (usually) don't scream and kick. Instead, we pull out the menus and get to ordering up some Chinese.

But why, oh why, can't we guys do the same? When we're tired, we come home with anger in our eyes and sarcasm on our lips. We take out our frustrations on our loved ones, hollering at the kids to calm down (good luck with that), and practically daring our wives to not have a hot dinner, perfectly cooked, ready and waiting.

Instead, why not follow Paul's admonition in Romans 8:3, and simply admit it. "Honey, I'm exhausted. My flesh is weak." Jesus affirmed that our flesh was weak as well, in Mark 14:38 and Matthew 26:41.

And if you somehow think you're not susceptible to the words of Jesus and Paul, how about Peter in I Peter 3:7? Peter tells us to honor our wives. Are we honoring our wives by (1) being dishonest and not simply saying, "I'm exhausted and cranky, but I really don't want to fight," and (2) by setting emotional landmines out just because we had a bad day at the office?

Paul insists that men love their wives as Christ loved the church in Ephesians 5:25. How does that apply? Well, when Jesus was angry, he let people know (Mark 11:15); and he's let us know that he's angry at sin (Romans and Revelation in particular). How about the next time you feel like screaming at someone, and the emotional charge in the air could power a few city blocks, you just tell your wife.

"Honey, I'm tired. I've got a headache."

You'd be surprised how often your wife might be willing to ride that steed of yours down to the local Wing Stop, rub your back, and take it easy on you forgetting to take out the trash that morning.

No, it won't always be that simple, and that perfect. But then again, it's really not about our wives' response to us, is it? It's about us being honest, honorable examples to the woman that God's chosen to give to us. It's about not setting little tripwires that we know our children will pull, and blaming them for setting the house into a windstorm of anger and bitterness.

It's about us being Christ in our homes. "Be angry, and sin not." (Eph. 4:26)

Men, sometimes we just have to play the headache card. I promise... you'll be better for it.

You, or the guy next to you

Disclaimer: This is a post largely aimed at guys. Ladies, that doesn't mean you shouldn't read this. I'm talking to your husbands here, and these are matters that you need to be aware of. I'll probably even write something up aimed at how you can help us guys out. But for now, this one's for the boys...

We all know the stat about Christian marriages and divorce, right? 50% of all marriages -- Christian and non-Christian -- end in divorce. The divorce rate among Christians is now identical to non-Christians. Pretty sad. That means that either you, or the guy sitting next to you, will statistically divorce within your lifetime.

But it gets even worse. A recent study shows that 44% of all married men admit to masturbating weekly, which of course means that they're almost certainly viewing pornographic material at least as often. And remember, folks, these are the people who admit it. Common sense says there's another 10 or 20 percent out there who (rightly) are ashamed of their behavior, and won't admit it.

So there it is. Statistically speaking, then, either you're sitting in the dark staring at your computer, with only one hand on the keyboard... or the guy next to you is.

Pretty sad, isn't it?

So what do we do with this? Chalk it up to our culture? Blame it on mainstream media, or the proliferation of shows like "Desperate Housewives" and "Six Feet Under?"

How about this? How about we blame this problem on (1) ourselves, for being depraved, sinful creatures, who have fallen just as our first father, Adam, has fallen, and (2) our churches, who have denied the truth of Scripture by omission; by not speaking out on sexual sin, on immorality and perversion, within the context of Scripture?

Yes, that feels about like where the blame should lie, doesn't it?

Isaiah 64:6 tells us our righteousness, apart from Jesus Christ, is "filthy rags." Commentators, including my pastor, Dr. Robert Jeffress, will tell you the word used by Isaiah refers to discarded menstrual rags. So let me make this clear: the very best we can do, apart from Jesus Christ, is a bloody tampon in God's sight. That's Scripture, not some hyperbole or exaggeration, folks.

So is it any surprise, really, that we're prone to wickedness? Is it really a shock what we, the Christian leaders of our home (in name, if not in deed) will do when left to our own devices?

But there's another factor, one I'm equally passionate about. Our churches have long spoken out against sin, but left us, the young married couples of the 21st century, to wonder, "What exactly does that mean?" Think about just a few of the phrases you've probably heard in Sunday School and worship lately:

• Put on "the mind of Christ"
• Follow "the Lord's leading"
• Be sure you have "perfect peace"

What the heck do any of these mean? Come Monday morning, when I find myself on IM with that attractive marketing director, what should I do? Run screaming? Log off of IM? Tell my wife about my inner thoughts? What is "the mind of Christ" in these matters, because I definitely don't have "perfect peace."

This is where a class like Sparks Fly comes into the picture. The entire purpose of this class is not to add to Scripture; to be "relevant" or "contemporary"; or even to "meet you where you are" or "take culture on." We're here to speak plainly, as the Bible speaks plainly. We're here to take Scripture and teach it, clearly, in the most vile culture.

See, here's the thing: the Bible speaks on sexuality, in amazingly graphic terms (the Song of Solomon talks specifically about various forms of sex, including oral sex, and even has the bride performing a strip tease for her husband!). The Bible deals with adultery over and over, both the deed (David, as a prime example) and restoration (the book of Hosea). The Bible tells us how to handle debt (throughout Proverbs) and is filled with complicated family issues, from incestuous relationships and offspring (Lot and his daughters) and nasty in-laws (Jacob and Laban). The problem is not our culture or the emerging church; it's that we've forgotten that the Bible speaks plainly on the issues of our day.

So you... or the guy next to you... is caught up in sexual sin. First, right now, repent of that sin! Ask Jesus for forgiveness; he'll give it to you. I John 1:9 says if we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. And second, stop piddling around with Christianity. Get serious about the Word of God.

And please, come join us for Sparks Fly, beginning February 8. By the grace and power of Jesus, we're going to tackle these issues head-on, in plain language. The Bible speaks... won't you come listen with us?