Can we all just go ahead and say the "S" word?

What terrifies you more? Getting the house ready for a big dinner party with lots of friends, or asking your mom to quit dropping in unannounced? Singing or playing a solo in front of a packed auditorium, or suggesting to your husband that his spending is out of control? Giving a presentation to a crowded board room, or telling your wife that you're sexually dissatisfied?

For most of you, it's those intimate conversations that are far more nerve-wracking than the work- and performance-related situations. Why is that? Why can many of us thrive in pressure-packed professions, and yet feel totally at a loss for words when it comes to talking with our spouses? Why can some folks maintain the house, get the kids to every possible practice and event on time, pay the bills, keep their Facebook page updated, and still turn into jello when family boundary issues come up?

I think about ol' Abram (who would later be renamed Abraham) in Genesis. He takes his wife, Sarai, into Egypt. Now here's a guy who was having frequent personal conversations with God, right? Yet he gets to Egypt, and totally freaks out. He's convinced he's gonna get killed over Sarai, so he asks her to pretend to be his sister. In other words, he says, "Look, if someone comes onto you, don't tell them you're married. I'd rather not get killed so someone else can sleep with you, okay?"

What a sad statement. But then again, this was early in Abram's relationship with God, right? He still hadn't been renamed, he didn't have his son Isaac yet, he hadn't really seen God work... right?

Well, not so much.

In Genesis 20, God's done all these incredible things for Abraham: given him a son (in addition to miraculously protecting Ishmael), sent angels to talk with Abraham and Sarah, turned Sodom into a pillar of salt... but here's Abraham again, asking Sarah to pretend to be his sister one more time.

So what does Abraham's story have to do with the awkward conversations we married couples try and avoid? It all comes down to the "s" word.

No, not the four-letter word. And not "sex" either, although we're all pretty scared to talk about that in church, too, aren't we?

The "s" word is "security."

Abraham, ultimately, didn't trust God. He didn't feel he was secure enough to live in Egypt, and later Gerar, with Sarah as his wife. He wasn't secure in his relationship with God.

And isn't that ultimately why we're terrified of having these awkward, sex/money/in-laws conversations with our spouses? Deep down, we're really not that secure in our relationships. We're terrified that if we are honest with our spouse, they're going to think differently about us.

That's why nobody wants to say, "Honey, you need to give me the credit cards. We're stopping this irresponsible spending." Or, "Babe, if your mom can't knock or ring the bell, or better yet, call before coming over, we're going to take her emergency key back. We need some boundaries." Or, "I love you, sweetie. And I really want us to talk about our sex life. It's dull, and as much as this is scary, I'm easily tempted right now. Can we get specific?"

So how do we resolve this? Well, it's not easy, and it's not an overnight thing. But the Bible tells us some things that are critical:

First, we've got to have a right relationship with Christ.
A functioning Christ-centric outlook is required to even be able to talk about these issues. See, even though money and sex and in-laws are real live issues, they're ultimately spiritual issues. They're about relationships and interactions. And if you want to deal with spiritual issues... I Corinthians 2:14 says, "But a natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised."

If you want to have a God-honoring discussion about anything, you need to make sure you're God-honoring in your intentions. These are hard enough discussions; don't try and have them apart from Jesus Christ.


Second, you need to understand security in your relationship.
The Bible says that the relationship between a husband and wife is to model the relationship between Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:25 tells us, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her."

Then, based on that, realize the new meaning that Romans 8:1 takes on: "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Think about it. If your relationship with your spouse mirrors that between Christ and the church, there should be no condemnation! Discussions about problems aren't for laying blame, or critiquing how well someone performs in bed... they're for glorifying God by the strengthening of your marriage!

God is completely honored by strong marriages, marriages where problems are worked through. That's because by dealing with tough issues, without condemnation, we are more closely modeling Jesus Christ. Get a hold of that!

Third, and finally, have the security discussion with your spouse.
Isn't it true that we tend to leave the most important things unsaid? Here's a little homework assignment. Tonight, after you've had dinner, and put any kids you have to bed, sit down with your spouse. Turn off the TV and iPod and TiVo (Jack Bauer will wait), and just tell your spouse... "Babe, I love you. You're totally secure in your relationship with me. There's nothing that can happen that will ever change that."

Then, for goodness sake, don't choose that time to open up a discussion on anything sensitive. Just let that sink in. Let it roll around for a few days, and remind yourself of the same thing.

You're secure. Marriage is our model for Christ and his church.

Re-commit yourself to your spouse. Love them. Encourage them. Secure them.

Then, when it's time to have those tougher discussions, you'll have laid the all-important secure foundation.

In the coming weeks, especially in Sparks Fly, we'll talk a lot more about how to actually have those tough conversations. For now, though, build security. You'll never regret it.